Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
