booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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