I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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