Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
