So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
