I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
