sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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