I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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