haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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