You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
