I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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