Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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