You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize