I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
