yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
