my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
