I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I need to calm my uterus...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
