im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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