True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
