So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
