God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
