i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
