Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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