So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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