we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize