Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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