Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
