I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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