i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Of course I have a pirate flag
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
