Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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