Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
