my mouth tastes like poor choices
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
