I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
