I want to walk on stilts...naked
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
