I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
