just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize