You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
