Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
