Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
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