It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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