Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
