So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
