My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
