Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
