textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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