If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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