very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
