Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
It's shark week go big or go home
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
