my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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