We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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