So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
