It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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