Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
