I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
