fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
