Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
