did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
