I think i sorta joined a cult last night
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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