Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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