Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I currently don't understand fingers.
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