i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Your cock deserves a montage
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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