I looked at my own cervix.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
