if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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