i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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