Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i dont even know how to be here
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
