You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
