Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
