There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
