i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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