We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
